Fun With Footsie-ball (Bite Me)


I’ve held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.

(1) Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls — all in front of a crowd. When baseball players strike out, they’re standing alone at the plate. But there’s also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks

In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised. There’s a reason perpetually alarmed women are called “soccer moms,” not “football moms.”

Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. That’s when we’re supposed to go wild. I’m already asleep.

She goes on, pretty much echoing my own feelings on this un-American game. If we didn’t have approximately one gazillion recent imports, both legal and (mostly) illegal, nobody here would even know the Footsie-ball was (endlessly) going on.

UPDATE: Some guy just got suspended for biting an opponent.  And apparently he’s known for this tactic.  Wow.  Little girls do that.

About Bill Quick

I am a small-l libertarian. My primary concern is to increase individual liberty as much as possible in the face of statist efforts to restrict it from both the right and the left. If I had to sum up my beliefs as concisely as possible, I would say, "Stay out of my wallet and my bedroom," "your liberty stops at my nose," and "don't tread on me." I will believe that things are taking a turn for the better in America when married gays are able to, and do, maintain large arsenals of automatic weapons, and tax collectors are, and do, not.


Fun With Footsie-ball (Bite Me) — 6 Comments

  1. Some guy just got suspended for biting an opponent. And apparently he’s known for this tactic. Wow. Little girls do that.

    Well, yah, though I feel I should point out that I’ve been making up a list of people to bite, on the off chance that I get me a nice case of rabies.

      • Oh, man, think about if that was a team sport! See how many people your team can infect. Different points for different categories of people: ordinary working guy: 1 point. Baby under one year old: 2 points. Priest in vestments: 4 points.

        Team strategies could include stealth, so people don’t know your team is in town, or having one guy start biting people at a mall or at a wedding (Ooh – woman in wedding gown: 3 points) to get attention and lure all the police to him, leaving the rest of the city open to the rest of the team.

    • I should also point out that the one time I potentially got rabies, I got shots to clear it up. In my defense, I hadn’t gone to the emergency room to get rabies vaccine. I went to get my hand sewed up after a dog chewed on it. Then I got a whole bunch of shots that night, in addition to stitches and a couple of pill prescriptions. (Antibiotics, painkillers which I never bothered getting filled, and a couple for the side effects or after effects of the rabies shots.) That was a lousy night to be a Steve. The only saving grace was that the vaccine series was the new one, only five shots into the stomach rather than 17. See? Things can always be worse.

      Oh, and I went to work the next day. I’m tough as nails. In fact, even if I’d gotten full-blown hydrophobia, I’d probably have pulled through just on sheer stubbornness. The next morning, a couple co-workers noted that I looked like crap. Told them I hadn’t slept. They said congratulations, then noticed my bandaged hand and asked what the hell? Did she bite you? Now, if I’d been a little sharper I’d have told them a dog bit me, while not clearing up their idea that I’d been having sex all night, and let them imagine all sorts of scenarios, each more repulsive than the last. But, alas, I’d been up all night and was drugged to the gills and thus wasn’t at the top of my form.

  2. Although she does tend to lay it on a bit heavy, there’s some really spot-on points – for instance:

    …After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.

    Hey, now, that’s laugh-out-loud funny, I don’t care who you are…

    Also – and my personal-favorite part:

    …What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a game where you’re not allowed to use them!

    Absolutely – the perfect “sport” for the digitally-challenged…

    Thanks all the same, soccer-folkses – I’ve tried watching, really I have, trying to “get into it”, but no matter how I’ve tried, I just can’t work up any lasting interest in a “sport” that, for me, combines pretty much all of the worst, most-boring parts of every other team-work game involving a ball.

    And in addition, I, too, “…remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.”

  3. I do get why soccer is a sport of choice in a lot of places. It’s easy to play – you just need a ball. You don’t need gear, just a couple posts and some players. Doesn’t even have to be the right number of players, the game scales pretty well and a half-dozen guys can have fun kicking the ball around.

    Honestly, the reason the game is boring is that the players must, must, must conserve energy. They can’t afford to get into positions where the whole team has to run all the way across the field and then all the way back – you do that a couple times and your stamina is shot, and the other team’s going to walk away with it. So the game strategy is extremely conservative, with teams not wanting to bring their defenses forward, and you end up with five guys trying to score on ten guys. The only place that works well is San Francisco…

    A smaller field would mean that the players could afford to spend more of the time playing the game and less time hanging around. Just look at the offensive formations – if a basketball coach saw his guys standing around like that, he would have them all shot. A football coach would just murder them with his bare hands. A baseball coach… well, baseball’s kind of boring too.

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