…Ace used to be pretty fucking funny:
One time I wondered if the Toilet People celebrated Christmas. My Pappy just chuckled darkly. He told me they did — in their way. “Ever notice how the Toilet People are always eating shit loaded with salt? Their fish– even their candy is thick with salt.”
“Ewwww!” I said.
“You betcha. The Toilet People love their salt. And I’ll tell you why. When Jesus was condemned to be crucified, these rotten toboggan monkeys got into one of their giant wooden shoe-boats and sailed to Judea. These vicious Odin-worshippers planned on rubbing salt in the Savior’s wounds as he died. But, being a bunch of fuck-up Toilet People who run on UPT, or ‘Uncolored People Time,’ they got there late and didn’t even get to the right place. They showed up in Rome in around 422 AD, looking around for Jesus, rubbing salt between their dirty hands and laughing like maniacs. Well, the joke was on them, wasn’t it?”
He says to this day it’s a religious requirement that all Scandis always have at least a good handful of salt on them at all times, just in case the Messiah should return. “They missed their one chance,” my Pappy said, “and they’re not going to miss the next one.” He told me they salt everything they can get their dirty paws on — even their asses, or “Reindeer Tunnels” — just to practice for what they call “The Big Day” or “Thor’s Victory Lap.”
Yeah, yeah, just read the whole thing.